Hygiene And You

The following is part of a new series of posts called “Top Ten: Advice For The Dudes” and will feature practical advice for guys. While the target audience is younger, single guys, I think this series of posts will be worth reading for everyone.

Some guys can rock the messy hair and the vintage wardrobe. Most likely, that ain’t you. After two weeks, your hair looks like that used Q-Tip glued on your bathroom floor because you missed the trash can shot four weeks ago the last time you cleaned your ears. You’ve brushed your teeth a few times, but there’s still Thanksgiving turkey in one of your wisdom teeth. You bought Axe deodorant because there were chicks on the commercial, but it wasn’t antiperspirant and now most of your shirts have nasty armpit stains to match the smell of wet dog that coincidentally follows you wherever you go. Face it dude, you’re now convinced I wrote this with you in mind. I wish it was just you.

Guys, you don’t have to be this big of a walking epic fail to be a total hygienic disaster. Your peers notice, your coworkers notice, the people that will likely never hire you will notice, and yes… the ladies notice. It doesn’t matter that your daddy never told you, or that your mommy says you look just great. You have to make some changes, and you have to make them tonight. I can’t fix everything in one blog, but I can get you headed in the right direction, right now, if you do this:

1. Throw out every shirt with pit stains, every sock with a hole in it, and get rid of all that stuff you’ve never worn. Tonight.
2. Now go to the store, buy a new tube of toothpaste, a new toothbrush, some Listerine, hair gel or something like it, some shower soap, Q-Tips, nail clippers, shampoo, a decent razor and shave gel, deodorant with antiperspirant, and dental floss.
3. On the way home, get a haircut, keep it simple, and ignore the 15 year old hairstyles you see in pictures on the wall.
4. Now you’re home. Go floss every tooth you have until they bleed (rinse), brush your teeth, gums, and tongue (rinse), and gargle that Listerine for at least 30 seconds. Don’t whine just because it burns; be a man!
5. Take a shower and use that new shampoo and soap. This will not only make you clean but will get rid of all the tiny hair bits on your scalp that would have ended up all over your pillow later. Shave.
6. Once you’re dry, cut your freaking nails… you look terrible. Toenails too. They always cut better right after the shower. Put on your new deodorant, use a Q-Tip on those ears, get dressed, fix your hair, and boom: You’re now free to go.

If you’re going to become the person God designed you to be, you need women and other men to take you seriously. If this blog suspiciously seems like it was written after your life was examined, I’m going to suggest you put down the XBox controller for the next few days and get some things sorted out. You may still be a disaster, but at least you’ll look better. (translated: please, please do this. Thanks, -DB)

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